So there’s plenty of opinions out there on what to do during the zombie apocalypse. Build a fortress, flee for the countryside, find Simon Pegg and fight side-by-side with him, etc. But here are some things NOT to do during the zombie apocalypse. In brainstorming this list, it occurred to me that some of the first things we would instinctively do in an emergency would be terrible to do when the dead rise.
1. Go to a hospital
A hospital seems like a logical place to go in a crisis, right? This is exactly what thousands of other people will think too. Victims of zombie bites and scratches will be rushed to hospitals, creating a veritable breeding ground of terror inside.
But what if you’re seriously injured, you may ask? Even if your leg has been cut off and you’re about to bleed out, you’re better off with a tourniquet and the threat of gangreen than going to a hospital.
2. Get on a plane
When the shit hits the fan, it’s time to get the f- out of Dodge, right? And what better way than boarding the next plane to Anywhere-but-here? So after rushing to the airport, leaving your car in the hourly parking garage – because you’re not coming back for it – you get your ticket, go through security and board your flight. As it’s taking off, a couple people on the plane start seizing, and the next thing you know, there are six zombies climbing over the seats freely biting everyone in sight. Oh, and you’re on a plane, so you have no weapon other than a rolled up SkyMall magazine. Good luck with that.
3. Attempt to cure someone who is infected
A loved one gets bit. It’s only a matter of time before they turn. Your instincts will tell you to help them or at least comfort them until the end. In this case, your instincts are dead wrong. Once bit, there’s nothing you can do for your loved one. Just tell them that you love them and send them on their way. Hopefully when they turn into the walking dead they’ll walk away from you and you’ll never have to come face to face with them again.
4. Play a game of Risk
No, this is not the time to play a game. Okay, maybe a quick game…NO, there are no quick games of RISK. Now get your zombie survival kit together and let’s get out of here.
5. Be on reddit
Most likely, the zombie apocalypse is not going to shut down our entire infrastructure right away. This means that sites like reddit will still be up. It’s going to be really tempting to to refresh /r/zombies every couple of minutes for the latest updates on what’s going on – but each of those minutes is going to cost you preparation time. Get off of reddit and…okay, just refresh it one more time to see if that guy ever got that safe opened.
6. Start shooting your enemies before they are zombies
Just because it’s the apocalypse doesn’t mean you now have a carte blanche license to kill. Murder is murder. But once they turn into a zombie, it’s open season.
“Well, these creatures used to be people. Maybe we an talk to them…find out what they want?” Nope, zombies aren’t people and they don’t reason. Want to know what they’re after? You. So skip any negotiating tactics and go for firepower. Because zombies don’t care about why they should spare you. Zombies don’t give a f%$#.
8. Go streaking
Some people handle stress in different ways. While some of us will be preparing our survival strategy, there will be those people who think that now would be a good time to do something to garner them some attention. The zombie apocalypse isn’t a soccer match or baseball game – streaking isn’t going to get you the attention you want. Instead, you’re going to be zombie bait, and seen as a threat by others who will forego rule #6 and shoot your naked ass.
9. Have an orgyWith all social norms thrown out the window and the end of days approaching, it may seem logical to go out with a bang (pun intended). With no fear of rejection and an already overactive adrenal effect, a large number of people are probably going to find a shag carpeted basement and become overnight hedonists. On the surface, it doesn’t sound awful.
But through the grunting and moaning of men, women, and possibly livestock (depending on what area of the country you’re in) your preoccupied mind won’t hear the moans of the undead as they approach your swingers den. Before you know it, that random arm in your face isn’t connected to a body, and the nibbling on your backside has turned into full-on zombie bites. Hope it was worth it – sinner.
10. Give up
Never, never, ever give up. Fight to your last breath to save those whom you’re with – or at least give them a fighting chance.
Plus, nobody likes a quitter.